Becoming Fearless! (No. 3: Fear of losing loved ones)

Continued from Becoming Fearless! (No. 1)

“I’m sharing a few, more for me than for you … If you value this mess, then I’ve been a success!” – me

#3 Fear of  losing loved ones

I guess most people have thought about it, but not everyone has had to face the death of a loved one. Whether you have lost someone very close or not, I think the fear can be very strong.

I don’t remember having this fear when I was young, but things changed drastically when my mom got cancer. She was very sick and I could tell by people’s reactions that it was very serious. I could sense the fear in people. It was a creepy sense that everyone around was horribly afraid, but refused to talk about it. This made me more fearful.

After a few years of watching her suffer and not being able to do anything about it, I got to understand that feeling that made everyone so afraid. I was very close to my mom and when she died there was a horrible empty pain. It felt like a giant hollow spot in my soul. Everyday, I tried to go to work, to be a new dad, to be a husband, and to not feel this horror.

It did not go very well. My life became a mess, a disgusting shambles that barely resembled the promise and creativity I had once had. I took all of the wrong roads going in all of the wrong directions. I tried everything I came across to take away that horrible feeling.

So this fear of losing loved ones … again … also set in and became part of my life. After I got finished being numb and destructive for a good while, I got very overprotective and antisocial. I wanted to avoid anything that could possibly hurt anyone that I loved.

To some degree, this fear stuck with me for many years. When my daughter got very sick and had to have several surgeries a few years ago, it resurfaced. We went to doctors for months and months and they kept saying they knew what was wrong and that they could fix it. As months dragged away into years, I got more fearful and protective.

I used to think all day that there must be something we are missing. These dumb doctors are just missing something. There is no way a healthy 15 year old girl can suddenly develop health problems that last for years and no doctor, out of almost 20 of them, can figure it out!! At one point, I was furiously searching the internet (again!) in some ridiculous attempt to do a better job at diagnosing things and I realized that there isn’t anything I can really do.

Moment of Honesty: am I really going to be able to do a better job than all of these doctors by reading and obsessing on the internet??

And the answer is: no. I’m not going to be a doctor. I’m not going to be able to fix this. It’s not my job. My job is to give her hugs everyday. My job is to listen to how she feels. My job is to make sure she gets to all of her appointments, give her healthy food, give her creative things to enjoy while she has to be on homeschooling for a year.

I can’t fix everything. I’m not a doctor. I’m just a dad who loves his daughter and wants her to be happy and healthy. I don’t know what will happen next, but I’m not afraid anymore. I draw strength from knowing I do the best job that I can. Whatever else happens is out of my hands. It just isn’t up to me. I cannot control it. I cannot do anything but what I can do.

And I do my best…

Upcoming topics:

  • Fear of injury
  • Fear of dying
  • Fear of losing loved one
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of being old and frail
  • Fear of being suckered
  • Fear of being locked up or confined
  • Fear of being jumped or mugged
  • Fear of not winning
  • Fear of looking or feeling like an idiot
  • Fear of being broke
  • Fear of getting lost
  • Fear of being out of control
  • Fear of not having a drink

I’m not sure right now what other things there are to be afraid of, but I’m sure there are plenty more! Please leave a comment if you have any thoughts!

Advertisements

5 Replies to “Becoming Fearless! (No. 3: Fear of losing loved ones)”

  1. Since my daughter was six, I’ve been a single mother. She is now 33, married and I’m a grandmother to two little girls. I feel your pain. I was so afraid (and still am) regarding the health and well-being of my little family, I thought I’d never come out of her growing up ALIVE. I managed to, but now there are the grandkids. It never goes away but we have to find a middle road. Sounds like you’re there.

    1. Sounds like you went through a lot of the same stuff. I’ve been a single parent for 6 years now. It is quite an adventure. One thing that throws me off is I almost feel like I have to be 2 people. Sorta … I mean I have to be the strict one that enforces the rules and at the same time I have to be the one that gives the hugs and bakes cookies. It’s a tricky balance for me.

      Thanks for taking the time to come visit!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s